slowly but surely

I have fluctuated in my weight a bit as I have been ill with chest pains. I had more than enough homemade chicken noodle soup and a concoction of chicken and rice (made with low-fat cream of chicken soup, thick)... So I gained a few pounds back. But now I'm back down to 149, so that's good. I'm really stressed out over some personal matters, so that definitely didn't help, either... I just keep telling myself that it'll happen. It's just a matter of time. Which, at this point, is my least favorable component in this weight loss thing. If only I could wake up to find that the fat fairy came and took it all away.... Sigh.And with that, I'll leave you all with this:

Dear Santa, 

This year I would like a fat bank account and a slim body, but please try not to mix the two up again like you did last year.

xoxo

blisters!

Well, I'm still losing weight, which is a plus. On the other hand, I got new walking shoes, and unfortunately they rubbed a small blister on the back of my left heel by the end of my walk the other day. It's not big, but it sure does hurt. So I haven't walked today. I'm still doing some stretches and stuff while no one is around (lololol). I'm down to about 149lbs now. :)

Last night I decided that, since I've lost a little over 10lbs, I would treat myself. Reasonably, of course. I had a really tasty salad at the Mellow Mushroom, a local pizzaria in town. It was fantastic. I did the build-your-own option, and had the salad mix (iceburg lettuce, spinach, and something else) with a little cheddar cheese, herb vinaigrette, and grilled teriyaki chicken. And water to drink, of course. SOOOO good and definitely filling, but it was healthy! Yay.

I think the one thing I miss most though... is sweet tea. Haha.

feelin' great!

So, as of yesterday I have lost 10lbs. That's right -- TEN POUNDS!!! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. I went to visit my parents yesterday for a while, and my little Scottish Terrier Maili, and my mom said "I can see the weight-loss in your face already. How much are you down?" And so I told her proudly "TEN!" and my daddy smiled and my mom said "That's great, stick with it." Encouragement feels wonderful, wouldn't you agree?

About a month or so ago, Bryan bought us tickets to go see the frontman of Say Anything at the Masquerade in Atlanta. So yesterday we made our way to Atlanta, and let me just tell you, Max Bemis.....Ohhhhh mah god. Amazing. I loved it. It was a dream come true! Max Bemis' wife Sherri Dupree (of Eisley) was also there, and she did a couple of songs, she and Max did a couple of duets and announced they would be releasing a record together sometime soon. And also, Max performed songs like Crush'd, Walk Through Hell, Alive With the Glory of Love, and soooo many more. When he played his last song and disappeared into the back, we chanted "ONE MORE SONG!" and "BEMIS! BEMIS! BEMIS!"..... Yes, he totally came back out, and played THREE more songs, and a brand new one that will be on their new record! And the whole time, I was standing MAYBE 10 feet from him!! AAAHHHHHHH!!!!! He came over to our side of the stage and was practically nose-to-nose with me, and everyone got to touch his head or his hands, etc. He's hilarious. He's full of love and energy unlike any artist I've ever seen before. He said this was the best show of the tour, and that he's been looking forward to it for several days, AND he WILL BE BACK WITH SAY ANYTHING!!! You can rest assured that I will be there. :) Oh, and I got a shirt. It says "I went to see SAY ANYTHING but all I got was their lousy singer." Love it. Love it. Love it. And I can't wait to go back!!

ANYWAY, today I got up, I'm hoarse, andddd I've lost 11lbs! Woo hoo!! It just keeps getting better and better!!

this is my happyface

Okay, so maybe losing 2lbs a day every day is unreasonable. It's just 2 though, so I didn't think it was when I started this journey of mine. But I dropped another pound am at 152 as of 15 minutes ago, so that's fantastic!! So far I have lost 8lbs, and am starting to be able to tell the difference. I'm wearing a shirt that was a little tight on me just a couple weeks ago, and now you can't even see my bellybutton poking through! It's soft and comfy, and I'm so glad I can wear it again. :)

This feels great already, and I'm not even halfway there. I'm starting to notice my endurance building from all the walking. Hopefully someday soon I'll be able to jog an entire lap! That's my goal. By the time I lose all my weight, I'd better be able to do one lap!

Someone walked up to me on campus today after my final and said, "Hey girl, are you losing weight? Your face looks smaller!" It made my heart swell. It's so nice to know that people are noticing! I can't wait to come back off of Christmas break and be even thinner... I can't wait to see the look on people's faces, and I can't wait to hear how proud my parents are. Yesterday I updated my dad on my progress, and he said that it was good. And my Jade told me she was so proud of me, and to just stick with it. The encouragement is definitely helping, and I'm just.... I feel GREAT. If I feel this good now, I can't imagine what it'll feel like when I lose 42 more pounds!

I know this is going to take a while. But hopefully I can build up my metabolism while I'm dieting and exercising and it'll go by a little faster. It was a beautiful day today, and as much as I wanted to walk, I studied all night for my finals last night and I just didn't have the energy. On the other hand, I've been doing other little workouts in between my daily activities, and it's definitely paying off. Hopefully the exercise center here at my apartments will get completely remodeled soon and I will go and try out the brand new shiny elliptical! :)

rain

Unfortunately, it has rained the past two days. Yesterday morning wasn't so bad, so Ashley and I went for a walk. But this morning, it was just too heavy. I took took the opportunity to sleep in a little. It looks like the weight is starting to come back off now. Hopefully I'll make some more progress. :)

yayayayayay!!!

My hard work of getting up every morning and walking two miles has seemed to pay off today! :) I had been 154 all day today. I just got back from getting some new tennis shoes, and decided to weigh myself.... 153!! Okay, so it's only one pound, nothing extravagant, but hey! It means I really am making progress. I heard that stress can make you gain weight, so maybe I should cut out all the stress??

I'm feeling a liiiiittle better now!

discouraged

I'm feeling discouraged again... I just got home from going to the back with Bryan and Ashley, and the only thing I can think about is food. I've eaten today, but I'm still incredibly hungry. Cravings are hard to deal with... For almost a week now, the only thing I can think about is a Philly Cheesesteak. I want meat. I want cheese. I want a burger. I want fish. I want fried chicken. Zaxby's. Wendy's. I want tacos and sour cream. I want a Pepsi. I want sour jelly beans. I want bacon. I want smoked turkey. I want steak. I want shrimp. I want pasta. I want 3 pieces of crunchy peanut butter toast. Food. Food. Food. Food.

I'm eating, but I'm afraid of eating too many calories. I don't want to eat more than I'm burning. Yeah, I went for a long walk this morning. I went for a long walk last night. I went for a long walk yesterday morning. I'm doing crunches and planks and sit ups and stretches galore.

I WANT THE WEIGHT OFF.

But I love food.

I came home and immediately stared into my refrigerator. Nothing really there. I shut the door, and what's staring me in the face? A Giovanni's menu. I want Giovanni's Philly Cheesesteak toasted sub. I want bacon cheese fries. I want a slice of cheese cake. Yesterday my roommates ordered pizza and ate it. I didn't even touch it. It smelled so good, and it was right there, and I knew I shouldn't. Even if I had patted all the grease off of the top with a napkin. I couldn't have it. Too much grease. Too much fat. Too many calories. I LOVE Papa John's pizza. Cheese and mushrooms. My roommates ordered Domino's pepperoni, and I could smell it. My stomach was roaring... But I knew if I ate one piece, I would want three more.

So I turned and opened the cabinets. Plenty of food. Soup, Special K bars, cereal, pasta, rice, etc. Something in the back of my mind just snapped, and I was suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of failure.

This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done... And I don't know if I can do it. I set myself a goal. Two pounds a day for 30 days. I can do it. I know I can. But I don't have the will power.

I stepped outside and sat on the steps of my apartment complex. I looked down. My fat, ugly legs. I knew what was under my grey leggings. Nasty, chunky, disgusting fat legs. Wavy, deep, red stretch marks. I've NEVER had stretch marks before. They're on my hips, my boobs, my thighs, my sides... My arm fat bulges. My double chin sags, and I know it because I'm frowning. My fat cheeks are red because I'm so upset, and I just know it makes my face twice as big, so I swallow it and ignore it. My promise ring is getting tight on my finger.... My ugly, short, fat fingers. My chunky mass of a stomach is smushed, crammed, stuffed down into the waistband of my leggings, creating an extra thick fat roll. The dimples in my thighs are just unsightly, and horrid...cellulite. My shirt is tight, so I hide the way it clings to me under my rain jacket. My rain boots are tight on my calves.

I'm hungry. Not just hungry, but I feel like if someone put a plate with a mountain of food in front of me, I would eat it all, and the plate, too.

What am I supposed to do with this? How am I supposed to cope like this? I have to lose weight, and I know it. I'll be happier, I'll feel better, I'll look better.... But I'm at 154, and it doesn't seem like the rest is ever going to come off... I keep telling myself encouraging things, and yet...

I'm so disheartened, and I don't think anyone will ever understand this pain. It's something that no one should have to endure... No one.