discouraged

I'm feeling discouraged again... I just got home from going to the back with Bryan and Ashley, and the only thing I can think about is food. I've eaten today, but I'm still incredibly hungry. Cravings are hard to deal with... For almost a week now, the only thing I can think about is a Philly Cheesesteak. I want meat. I want cheese. I want a burger. I want fish. I want fried chicken. Zaxby's. Wendy's. I want tacos and sour cream. I want a Pepsi. I want sour jelly beans. I want bacon. I want smoked turkey. I want steak. I want shrimp. I want pasta. I want 3 pieces of crunchy peanut butter toast. Food. Food. Food. Food.

I'm eating, but I'm afraid of eating too many calories. I don't want to eat more than I'm burning. Yeah, I went for a long walk this morning. I went for a long walk last night. I went for a long walk yesterday morning. I'm doing crunches and planks and sit ups and stretches galore.

I WANT THE WEIGHT OFF.

But I love food.

I came home and immediately stared into my refrigerator. Nothing really there. I shut the door, and what's staring me in the face? A Giovanni's menu. I want Giovanni's Philly Cheesesteak toasted sub. I want bacon cheese fries. I want a slice of cheese cake. Yesterday my roommates ordered pizza and ate it. I didn't even touch it. It smelled so good, and it was right there, and I knew I shouldn't. Even if I had patted all the grease off of the top with a napkin. I couldn't have it. Too much grease. Too much fat. Too many calories. I LOVE Papa John's pizza. Cheese and mushrooms. My roommates ordered Domino's pepperoni, and I could smell it. My stomach was roaring... But I knew if I ate one piece, I would want three more.

So I turned and opened the cabinets. Plenty of food. Soup, Special K bars, cereal, pasta, rice, etc. Something in the back of my mind just snapped, and I was suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of failure.

This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done... And I don't know if I can do it. I set myself a goal. Two pounds a day for 30 days. I can do it. I know I can. But I don't have the will power.

I stepped outside and sat on the steps of my apartment complex. I looked down. My fat, ugly legs. I knew what was under my grey leggings. Nasty, chunky, disgusting fat legs. Wavy, deep, red stretch marks. I've NEVER had stretch marks before. They're on my hips, my boobs, my thighs, my sides... My arm fat bulges. My double chin sags, and I know it because I'm frowning. My fat cheeks are red because I'm so upset, and I just know it makes my face twice as big, so I swallow it and ignore it. My promise ring is getting tight on my finger.... My ugly, short, fat fingers. My chunky mass of a stomach is smushed, crammed, stuffed down into the waistband of my leggings, creating an extra thick fat roll. The dimples in my thighs are just unsightly, and horrid...cellulite. My shirt is tight, so I hide the way it clings to me under my rain jacket. My rain boots are tight on my calves.

I'm hungry. Not just hungry, but I feel like if someone put a plate with a mountain of food in front of me, I would eat it all, and the plate, too.

What am I supposed to do with this? How am I supposed to cope like this? I have to lose weight, and I know it. I'll be happier, I'll feel better, I'll look better.... But I'm at 154, and it doesn't seem like the rest is ever going to come off... I keep telling myself encouraging things, and yet...

I'm so disheartened, and I don't think anyone will ever understand this pain. It's something that no one should have to endure... No one.