why can't it ever just be easy?

As I mentioned earlier today, I didn't make my goal today. Yesterday I had planned to make it down to 153, and was at 154. Well, I was just a pound off, no big deal, right?

Today I wanted to make it down to 153, possibly 152. According to my 2lbs-a-day schedule, I was actually supposed to be at 151, but I guess 3lbs in 24 hrs is unreasonable.

I've battled hunger and belly aches all day today. There's a place down the road from my apartment called Giovanni's, and it is absolutely my favorite place to get a Philly Cheesesteak toasted sub. Mozzarella cheese, steak, seasoning, crispy, fluffy bread... Crisp, hot french fries with cheese and bacon... BBQ boneless wings... Oh god, my belly is growling just thinking about it again!

My roommate told me the other day that apparently cravings only last 15 minutes. I'm sure this is correct to a point... But it's all I've been able to think about all day!! I just want food. I'm at about 292.5 calories for today, and I know that one 6 inch sub would easily put me at at least 1000. Which is sad. I can't believe how high in calories some of my favorite foods are! :(

So I just had a little crying fit. I just want the weight to FALL OFF of me. I went for a long walk today, all the way up to the gas station, through campus, up a couple enormous hills... I pace a lot, and wiggle every chance I get. Every little burned calories adds up, so why not make the best of it?

I get that I'm obsessing. And I know many people will read this and call me anorexic, or psycho, or what have you, but to that I say, you really truly NEVER know what this feels like, until you have experienced it. It's terrible. I'm wrought with depression, and I'm so tired of being fat.... It's so easy to gain, but so hard to lose. It's consuming my life. I LOVE food... And now I just can't function without it, it seems.

But I remain strong. Well, strong but with wobbly legs, it seems. I have an apartment full of food, and I'm only eating the healthy stuff. I'm drinking water instead of juice and soda. I'm exercising. This is all great, and I AM losing weight... just not at the pace I'd like.

Oh well.... I guess beggars can't be choosers.... right?

On the other hand, I discovered the cause of my fiery belly aches and I can't believe I didn't realize it before -- My acid reflux. I have totally forgotten to take my Zantac the past few day! Silly, silly.